As we wind down and finish 2020 strong, I promised I would write more lessons in the journey with my 67-year-old alcoholic cousin Mark Sellers. Part One was posted on October 27.  Because it is tough and vulnerable to unearth and write about, I procrastinated to write more. Now is the time.

Mark had agreed to go to an inpatient alcohol rehab center. He was admitted to Anuvia, the wonderful Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Center in Charlotte, on October 28, 2019.  Our aunt Nancy and I would visit him every Monday night for Family Night.  It was gut-wrenching to hear from parents, siblings, relatives, and friends of other drug and alcohol rehab patients to learn what they have and are enduring.  After our family group counseling session the counselors would bring our rehab’ing loved ones in. Mark was looking better and better and seemed to be feeling stronger also.

I saw the call come in on December 11, 2019, from Mark’s Anuvia counselor and answered it. She said Mark had been admitted to the hospital for the second time with edema, which causes difficulty breathing from extra fluid around his lungs and body. Edema is another result of cirrhosis. The counselor told me they were graduating Mark, asked for me to pick him up from the hospital when he was discharged that night and pick up his belongings from Anuvia. Oh no…

He didn’t qualify to move into a “half-way” house because he needed to have access to medical attention 24 hours a day because of his cirrhosis.  Until I could get him into an assisted living facility, Mark would need to come live with me, which I confess wasn’t quite ready for.I drove to the hospital to pick him up, then picked his belongings up from Anuvia.

Mark knew we were going to my home. I’m thankful he didn’t want to back to the attic of the dilapidated crack house where he had lived before. The crack house where he got bedbugs, where he was isolated and drank way too much alcohol daily, so much more than his body could handle.

Remember the Shop Vac we had gotten out of the Pawn Shop? He told me that the Shop Vac was stolen from his landlord Carol. One Saturday before Christmas we visited Miss Carol in the front of the property where the crackhouse was in the back.

Mark rang the doorbell. Carol answered, and he sheepishly handed her a Christmas card, having written his appreciation of her and confession of stealing her Shop Vac. She looked up after reading the card, and said “I forgive you. You can go put the Shop Vac back in the garage.”

She also said she had sold her property to a church where the crack house sat, and they would be tearing it down in 2020. She asked us to have anything we wanted of Mark’s out of there in January. I made a mental note for us to go with a Haz-mat suit in January to clean out his non-fabric (NO BEDBUGS!) items.

Mark and Aunt Nancy went with me to Charleston to celebrate Christmas last year. Mark and I enjoyed singing Christmas music as he played his awesome Ovation guitar we had gotten out of the Pawn Shop. It was so good to have Mom help with Mark. We attended the first Christmas Eve service he’s been to in over 40 years and his first as a Christian. Mom could discern how I was struggling. She offered to come home with me to help take care of him.

I confess to you that I struggled having Mark live with me, looking for an assisted living place for him to go, him watching Western shows all day, complaining that he could only drink coffee, tea or water. I was also going through a hard time at work, so it was the perfect storm.

While Mom was at my home, I took him to Alcoholics Anonymous AA meetings and took him to his first Bible Study Fellowship Men’s Bible Study with Mr. Don as his Group Leader. I didn’t realize Mark didn’t know how to read a Bible or look up scripture. Mom taught him about the Books of the Bible and what the chapter/verse numbers mean before and after the colon when looking up scripture. Like John 3:16. It was inspiring to watch him learn a whole new world with the Bible.

We made a plan to clean out the crackhouse attic where Mark had lived. The three of us put on haz-mat suits and masks. Mom stayed outside, and Mark and I entered in the smoky house–foggy with crack pipe smoke, marijuana smoke, and cigarette smoke–and up the 18 steps to the attic. I couldn’t believe it.  I had never witnessed anything like it. The ceiling was caved in in four places with mold (see photo). I had never seen so many beer cans, empty wine bottles and empty cardboard cases in one place, all consumed by one person.  I hauled trash bag after trash bag outside and we took the list of items Mark had identified to take to my home. We cleaned the attic as best we could, knowing it would be demolished in a month. Mark was pleased but embarrassed for me where he used to live.  His mail for family reunions would go to our aunt’s home. No one in our family knew he lived here. I would have tried to get him out a lot earlier had I known. Now Mark was truly going from a crackhouse to a palace of an assisted living home.

I applied for DSS Special Assistance for Mark to get into a nice Medicaid Assisted Living Facility.  He eventually passed the physical test and all the paperwork was approved. He finally moved in to East Towne Manor in a lovely brand new room on Fri., January 17, 2020. He was so joyful. I felt like a proud mama taking a child to college, fixing his bed for him and unpacking his clothes into his dresser and closet. I was so excited for him, and he promised he’d abide by the rules and not drink. It was such a happy new year for us both! Then COVID-19 hit…

What lessons did I learn from this part of the journey?

1. Give grace and give yourself grace. Recovering addicts are doing their best. We are all doing our best.
2. Remember to have healthy boundaries.
3. Love first. Love wholeheartedly. God loves us lavishly. We are to love each other just as lavishly.
4. Laugh at yourself and the situation when you can.
5. God’s desires His best for all of us.
6. Each day is a new beginning.

Stay tuned for Part 3 to find out how Mark did with his new independence in a new home and his first Easter as a Christian.

Be encouraged. Reach out to love others and help those who need, especially when it’s out of your comfort zone. Happy New Year! The best is yet to come.

Reflections: 

—“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest.”–Matthew 11:28-29

–“Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.”–John 14:27